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Jun. 7th, 2011 | 09:45 pm

it's been so long, but i missed some people on here.

how to update, after such a long time?

i live in a condo that i own. the boy who i gave away to someone else came back to me, and he lives with me in my condo. our balcony overlooks the first place called calgary, and from our bedroom window we can see the river. jackhammers wake us up every morning. the seers, the vagrants, the homeless make their home under our window. sometimes they wake us with shouting, sometimes with howling, sometimes just with loud rambles and laughter. those sounds are much more agreeable and less scary to me than the jackhammers. my condo board would drive every homeless person out of our neighbourhood, if they could. no one who is terrified of the homeless has a good answer for why exactly they bought a home situated within walking distance of a very large homeless shelter, but now that they are here, they feel entitled to this neighbourhood. i'm happy to share the area with the city's wanderers, and wish i had more to share than a postal code - either time, or money. lately, i have very little of both. but money comes and it goes. i suspect it will come again.

greg is at work tonight, at the shelter. yes, he works with our neighbours. they are much more preferable as neighbours than many of the people we share a building with. i am in our messy apartment alone.

since last post i have: taken up belly dancing; gotten my heart completely smashed to pieces; put it back together somewhat (work in progress); been left by the man i am in love with; had the man i am in love with return humbly to me; allowed him back into my life; learned hard lessons about forgiving and being forgiven; turned 28.

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(no subject)

Nov. 11th, 2010 | 07:23 pm


something else. should you be interested.

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(no subject)

Nov. 3rd, 2010 | 09:18 pm

To mine beautiful mermaid Sara,

I heard a song which made me think of you (because it's about Sara; there are many songs about Sara by Mark Berube; they're beautiful like you are).

I was going to comment on your journal
but you deserve a whole post
and probably a sonnet and a song and so much love
beautiful mermaid kitten
I so wish you were here. I so wish I was with you right now!

I can't believe how long I've known you. You hold many of my secrets. I love you for that. and for many other things.

Much lovelovelove,

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(no subject)

Oct. 12th, 2010 | 08:27 am

Once upon a time, in a land of snow and clouds, a wolfgirl fell in love with a human boy. The human boy loved the wolfgirl, too, even though his heart told him he needed the company of human girls and deserts and clear skies. So the human boy set off on his adventure without the wolfgirl, and the wolfgirl howled at the sky which was as empty as her heart on the night he left. On his journey the boy became trapped in the mountains and had to come back to the wolfgirl. She welcomed him back into her den, and even though she is a lonely winter wolf and he is a summer human boy, they spent many nights and days together kissing and daydreaming and eating. The wolfgirl was so happy that she decided she wanted to keep the human boy forever in her den. She trapped him in a jar. She cut air-holes in the jar, and she fed him bread and fruit and coffee, but he would not eat and he would not smile. The wolfgirl knew he was unhappy, and even though she would miss looking at his face, she knew she had to let him go. While he was sleeping, she opened the lid to the jar, put out a plate of bread and coffee for him, and then she hid herself away so she would not have to watch him leave. He woke up and climbed out of the jar. He looked for the wolfgirl, but she was hidden into the deepest darkest place she could find, and he could not see her and she was too far away to say goodbye.

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(no subject)

Apr. 27th, 2010 | 07:08 am

Dear Calgary,

Could you stop snowing?
It's April.


p.s. on the upside of snowy springtime, my thighs are covered in teethmark bruises. Love, love. I love springtime lust. I love sexy boys.

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(no subject)

Mar. 25th, 2010 | 03:28 pm

Sometimes I miss things like drinking the afternoon away on a patio and not having any responsibilities and not really worrying about the future.

But drinking all the time and being irresponsible doesn't really mesh well with some of the things I want, like I would like to own a home, I'd like to have some sort of career I can be proud of, I'd like to travel or take vacations sometimes. My body cannot handle being unhealthy anymore, and my body doesn't like heavy drinking.

That is not to say I'll never ever do it again
just that I have to do it with less frequency than before. At 27, drinking makes me so haggard. Really, I look haggard for days and days after a night of heavy drinking. And I don't like to look haggard. My 27 year old skin needs a lot of love and healthy habits to look good. Also, drinking makes me gain weight. My 27 year old metabolism is vastly different than my 21 year old metabolism.

Last time I went out I drank Shirley Temples all night.

I think a lot of times in the past I've been very uncomfortable in social situations, and drinking helped me to feel more comfortable. I'm still a little awkward but not so much that I need to be drunk to even carry on a conversation.

I've been sick for a few days. I think I will go for a run today. Or maybe just a brisk walk. It is slam night tonight at the Auburn. I love poetry night in Calgary!

I really need a place to live that isn't Bearspaw.

I start work on Monday.

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duck hunting

Mar. 19th, 2010 | 02:13 am
music: explosions in the sky

I am so ready for sundresses, patios, hot, hot weather and cold pints of Wraspberry Ale. And boys, lots and lots of boys. Tanned boys and pale boys and tall boys and dimpled boys and loud boys and smart boys and dumb boys and boys who look good in flip-flops and boys who don't. Clean cut boys. Messy boys. Cute boys. Hot boys. Mean, sexy boys. Nice boys. Adorable boys.

I love boys in the summer.
I love boys a lot of the time.
My mum thinks I should date "men". However, I am not interested in dating right now, I am only interested in wearing sexy shoes and making out. So boys will suffice. I can't wait to start my new job, and I like having time to read and study and discover new bands. I'm learning all about the insurance industry. I'm reading biographies. I'm writing a lot of essays.

This week I have purchased new fancy bras (which make my cleavage spectacular AND glorious), three pairs of new shoes (I've decided that I do heels now), one new dress, a new purse, a cardigan, and a tunic. Also: salty sugary scrub from Soap & Glory, delicious hand cream, lots of necklaces, and a smoky eyes palette from Benefit. Tomorrow I am going on a search for a pencil skirt, face cream from Lush, more new shoes (yellow? red? neutral? all three? sandals, flats, heels? i have also decided that i love shoes), cardigans, and another purse. I've gotten rid of so many clothes that I just should not wear anymore (but I hung on to a few things for nostalgia's sake, and also just for Canada day with my Tinkerbell Claire. Trashy t-shirts + cheap pints + pseudo-intellectualizing = violet + claire are AWESOME).

I mean, I kind of needed some new clothes for work (I don't have a corporate-worthy wardrobe, I spent university in converse, baggy jeans, band t-shirts and hoodies), but I may have gone overboard. I feel a little guilty, but I'll be glad for all the gorgeous outfits when work starts.

I'm enjoying life. I have crushes. I have suitors.

Now if only my spring cold would go away. I hope it's warm out tomorrow, I have a BFF Birthday date with Mr. DAndroid. I want to wear a dress. Just because I can.

Explosions in the Sky is so beautiful. I have been listening non-stop.

Life is so amazing.

You know what,
it's actually really weird for me, not being depressed and self-loathing. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not obsessing on how much I hate myself. It's a strange place to be. I think I'm finally over all of that. I mean, I still have shitty days and I'm prone to anxiety. I think my ability to handle stress might be less than the average person. But after all these years, I'm able to manage and cope with anxiety and depression. For the most part. I guess I fell apart a little in Korea. But at no time in Korea did I think I wouldn't make it through or that I was too weak to handle it, which is a main difference between then and now. When I'm in a shitty mood or state of mind, I can always see the end of it, or at least know that it is temporary.
I don't know. Being happy still takes some getting used to. And it's not like I'm walking around grinning all day every day or anything. But I like myself, and I like my life, and I like where things are going.
I've never, ever felt this way before. I think that I let being depressed become such a big part of my identity, and now I have room for all kinds of new things, and I don't really know what to do with all this space. If that makes any sense. I feel uncluttered. I hope that I keep reading and writing and learning new things. I have a lot of excess energy that I used to spend on being depressed.

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(no subject)

Mar. 8th, 2010 | 11:19 pm

Dear George Stroumboulopoulos,

Please be my boyfriend?

I love it when you say things like "wage gap" and "patriarchal society". I love that you own more black shirts than I do.


p.s. lj friendland: i lied about being happy alone. mostly i am, but part of me just wants to fuck a smart boy repeatedly and then hang out afterwards.

also: i have a meeting with my almost employer tomorrow. i hope he likes my references and stuff. because i'm pretty stoked about my new almost job.

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my heart's aflame

Mar. 8th, 2010 | 01:37 am
mood: loved loved
music: TV on the Radio / Wolf Like Me

So much has happened.

I went to Korea.
I came home from Korea.

I've just received a job offer on Friday for a job I really want and am excited about.

I'm really happy to be home. I've been spending a lot of time socializing, but am realizing that I'm a lot happier alone. And that I love spending time with myself. And that I don't really need anyone right now. That's not to say I don't adore my friends and family, and in some ways I do need them (I'm living at home right now, for example), but mentally I feel as though I am in a place where I am fairly independent and self-sufficient. In the past I've needed a lot of emotional support and validation. And I don't need a lot of that right now. That's something I picked up in Korea. A lot of people in my life thought I should stick it out even though I was miserable.
If I'd listened to everyone around me, I'd still be there. Often in the past, I've cared too much what people think, and there was probably a time when I'd have just stayed there because everyone else said I should. But, in spite of nearly everyone else's opinion differing vastly from mine, I did what was best for me. I came home. Even though some people thought it was a failure. Even though most people thought I shouldn't come home early. I came home because I felt confident enough in myself to know that it was just the wrong place for me.

And I'm back, and I'm happy. I miss my friends in Korea, and the kids, but it wasn't enough to make me happy.

It's nice to not need validation. It's nice to enjoy my own company. I'm excited to just work on things I want for myself, study and research and learn about my new job, and research and write things I have wanted to write for a while.

I used to crave romance and attention from boys and partner sex, but after so much unsatisfying and painful experience in that department, I realized that I was actually capable of giving myself what I once thought I needed from other people (love, confidence, validation, strength).

It's funny because as soon as I genuinely became okay with being alone, romantic opportunities and friendships and all kinds of opportunities for social interaction have come my way. I may take some of them up on it, or I may not. I feel like I should be spending most of my energy right now working on myself. I'm definitely in a transitory place in my life, and I'm excited. I guess sometimes I hope that someday, when I'm a bit settled into my job and in a more comfortable place, things like romance may follow. But I am also pretty content with my current friendships and relationship with my family. And I'm currently madly, heart-racingly in love with myself.

I'm really glad I came home, and happy to be in a place where I know myself well enough to not listen to other people when they are just wrong about me.

Love to all my LJ friends. I have missed you. I've been writing a lot for myself lately, but tonight, I miss you guys.

So much love! <3<3<3

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(no subject)

Feb. 8th, 2010 | 05:30 am

So, skinny jeans, mascara, aviator sunglasses, and humans survive the apocalypse, but only ONE bible makes it through...

... and it's in braille?!

yeah, right.

at least there was tom waits.

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